In Search of Myself…

Over 25 years ago, I literally woke up and didn’t know who I was.  The amnesia I had was not neurological; it was a deeper loss of identity.  Honestly, I didn’t know what my purpose was in life and it was causing me great pain.   So, that morning, I raised my arms to the sky and yelled to God–“Show me who I am!”  Be careful what you say to God.  He really hears us and over a period of 7 years; my true self was revealed.  The image I had of myself conflicted with the truth and this was very painful.  Not only did I have to face my innate fears–ALL OF THEM; I had to face every lie as well.  God is not going to help you until you truly see what he sees.  And that can be scary.  There was a lot in me that I never even knew could destroy me if I hadn’t had this spiritual confrontation.  That morning became the beginning of my evolution.

And I couldn’t hide either.  Nope.  God broke the facade–in front of others.  There were many embarrassing moments.  I had a lot to clean up.  Now…I know some of you are wondering what in the world was it God was making me face.  Well, first, I always thought of myself as “a nice girl.”  Humph.  This was the biggest lie.  Deep down, I had a lot of anger in me.  It had been caused by hurt and I wasn’t allowing myself to speak the truth about it.  This period in my life was tumultuous.  There were many relationships in my life that had injured my spirit and people that had caused them.  I had to face that.  Because of this pain; I had become dysfunctional in some ways.  It cost me some new friendships, but I did have a couple of people in my life who supported me.  However, most of the time, I went through everything alone.  Perhaps it was necessary.

One of the most deceptive things that we do is to attach ourselves to people and things that keep us from facing the truth.  That was immediately removed for me.

The other thing that happened to me was that I had to listen to my soul.  I had to get in touch with that inner voice.

Truly, it was a process, but when you ask God for clarity; he makes you face that person in the mirror.

I thank him for keeping me strong.  I didn’t have a desire to turn to drugs and alcohol or abuse my body with multiple sexual partners.  I took all the blows because I had to.

God is  sometimes called the ” The Great Potter”  There is an analogy here: Before you can mold clay into anything; you have to pound it many times so that you can form it into a design.  This is what God does to us.

Lord, I sometimes felt so lost.  There were many times I didn’t know where I was going, but all of those detours led me to find my true purpose.  It took some time, but I finally got there.

I thank God for hearing me that morning.

“We are the clay, and thou are Potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.” Isaiah 64:8

I would have never become the writer I am today had I not gone through all of this…

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16 comments on “In Search of Myself…

  1. Thank you missy for allowing us in on your inner thoughts and struggles. I have learned that when we are honest with ourselves and maybe let other in we find healing. We as Black people carry around so much stuff, and we pick up sh*t on a daily bases. Purge is a beautiful thing.

    Thank you sis for being you and helping me, we need our Black women to be more like you and No Black Pete and TruthBeTold and TooGood and so many other women that have influenced us on a daily bases.

    Thank you all so much.

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  2. mstoogood4yall says:

    glad u found ur purpose I’m still trying to find mine but I guess I have time.

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  3. The inner world needs to be set right to be able to deal with the outer world as your next post shows. It is a neverending process. The sane thing for me to do is to stay away from the white insanity, but I find that I have to go back in to find my humility. As I humiliate the whole community for not taking care of me. The fiction of independence. This whole year, only one person asked me if I needed help AND offered it. She is white… (I await what she is going to demand in return though!)

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    • truthangel07 says:

      Someone said it on another post on the blog but there is just something missing in the spirit of white folks and they know it.

      Just analyze the things that attract them: money, power, violence, sex, sexual deviancy, drug/alcohol, hatred, domination, control, oppression, atheism, paganism, the occult, death/suicide, animal sacrifice, human sacrifice, et al.

      Malcolm X said they were depraved. Those of us who have observed these people know this to be true.

      I have no desire to be around them. Frankly, I find them boring. If I ever develop a case of insomnia; I’ll hang out with some until I get sleepy.

      After I punch out from work–My N.W.A (No Whites Allowed) policy is activated like a security alarm.

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      • Lol. NWA. But, that is just the thing, I do not even want to be around them at work. I do not want to entertain the hand that feeds me. And I do not want inferiors in my office asking me to hold their hand when they have the same degrees as I do. Hmm. Have I turned into… them? Aaaargh. Well, minus the fake smile.

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      • truthangel07 says:

        We all do what we have to do.

        It’s not really US wanting to be around them. They can’t seem to stay away from us.

        Most Black people get irritated as hell if one of the relatives or friends dares bring a coconut to the family outing…

        You know this…LOL

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      • truthangel07 says:

        Ain’t it.

        My family has many outings and I can’t tell you how after biting into your rib; here comes so-and-so with Buffy or Opey. Typically, it’s usually some uninvited white chick that ends up trying to fit in–to embarrassment, at the home of a relative. You can imagine the “Oh, Hell No’s!” emerging from the tongues of many. Followed by some folks actually leaving or just plain refusing to acknowledge the imp.

        It’s straight out of a Tyler Perry movie.

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      • Lol. And Becky will cry if you get mean. Oh, I sure do not miss the bad old days when I still had white frenemies…

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      • truthangel07 says:

        I absolutely will not be the “Black Friend.” I’ve never fallen for that ish.

        White people are just pathetic. My God I can’t stand them. And I’m serious…I used to pay it no mind when I heard many Black people say they were nasty people, as in basic hygiene and living standards. It’s true.

        I see this every single day.

        At my local Wal-Mart, one of the customer service ladies got ill when a white woman brought back a comforter that was filled with lice.

        And don’t get me started on how many times I’ve seen them not wash their hands after using the bathroom.

        Eeewww…

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      • Yes, I have been the Black friend. To both Black and white. As for hygiene. Do you not have shows that show their nasty houses? Oh, it is just a “mental problem”. Sure. It is their white skin. As long as it is not Black, they are clean. Or they will just stand next to one of us to “purify” themselves. Hmmm. They may be on to something. How can I get it to work the other way around?

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      • truthangel07 says:

        LOL.

        No one has to ever convince me that the Bubonic plague occurred in Europe. That disease was spread because of filth. It’s intrinsic.

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      • It is a dang shame. That I have an image of nasty white Pete to take to bed with. Better sing some more Kumbaya first. Peace.

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